One Sweet Day

Sunday afternoon Dan and I were driving to his parents house when the song "One Sweet Day", by Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men came on the radio. Fully knowing that listening to this song always makes my eyes glossy and my heart sad, I turned the radio up. When I hear this song, it instantly makes me think about my dear grandmother, my Nana, who passed away in December of 2001. The song is meant to be somewhat comforting with the lyrics, "And I know you're shining down on me from heaven. Like so many friends we've lost along the way. And I know eventually we'll be together, one sweet day, and I'll wait, patiently to see you in heaven". But the lines that really make me choke up and get the lump in my throat are, "Sorry I never told you, all I wanted to say, and now it's too late to hold you, cause you've flown away, so far away...darlin', I never showed you, assumed you'd always be there, and I took your presence for granted, but I always cared and I miss the love we shared". So as I'm driving I'm getting all weepy eyed and trying to hold it together. It's not that I felt I had to hide these feelings from Dan, but the fact of the matter is Nana is gone and no tears or sadness will bring her back. Some tears stem from feelings of regret about where my relationship was with my grandmother before she died.
Nana lived downstairs from my immediate family in the two flat apartment building my parents own. My siblings and I were all extremely close to Nana because we had the luxury of seeing her everyday. It was not unusual to find my siblings and I playing Scrabble, Phase 10, Skipbo, or watching The Golden Girls with our very cool grandma.

When I went away for my first year of college, I didn't see or talk to Nana as much as I had before. I wrote the occasional letter and saw her when I was in on weekends or holidays, but I still didn't spend as much time as I did with her before. I still feel guilty about that. Nana and I, along with my siblings would indulge in countless hours of the Nintendo, and I'm talking the original NES. Her favorite games were The Legend of Zelda, Tetris and Dr. Mario. When we were playing Nintendo with Nana, it was serious business I tell you! ;) Besides Nintendo, the Ma'Ayteh children (my siblings and I) could often be found downstairs with Nana at her kitchen table pigging out on strawberry shortcake and pineapple upside down cake. Actually, Nana made the pineapple upside down cake especially for me, and it was always very soggy and undercooked, but I always ate it with a smile and told her how delicious it was. Of course this explains why she would always make it for me. She was always so excited after making it for me and I loved the feeling that Nana did something special just for her Samantha. God, what I would do for a piece of that cake now.

One Saturday morning my father called me while I was away at college to tell me that Nana passed away. I was half asleep when he have me the awful news and I just remember being totally shocked. The night before my younger sister Ryan had called to tell me that Nana was brought to the hospital for something, and that she would keep me posted on her condition. My grandmother was always in and out of the hospital for a number of serious health concerns, but she always came home. One might say it was routine for Nana to be in the hospital, and then come home a few days later. So when Ryan called me, I was worried, but did not think that Nana would be in heaven the next day.

It was a really hard time for the whole family when Nana passed away. Prior to her death there were some unresolved family issues that caused some major tension. But I'll never forget when my mom had to tell my youngest sister Dee, who was about seven years old at the time, that Nana had passed away. Nana and Dee were best friends in the truest meaning of those words. Dee and Nana ate goldfish crackers with chives and onion cream cheese together, watched "Golden Girls", had endless conversations and ate about 50% of their meals together. Poor Dee was heart broken, just as we all we to lose our Nana.

I had about Nana on Sunday night, the same day I heard the song "One Sweet Day". In my dream, I saw my Auntie Mo, who is Nana's older sister. I tried avoiding eye contact with her because she reminded me too much Nana, but I ended up saying hi to her and giving her a hug. While I was hugging her, she turned into my Nana, and it felt soooo incredibly real! I have never, ever had a dream that felt so real and good in my life. While I was hugging Nana in the dream, I was squeezing her so hard and did not want to let go. I woke up a little sad, but moreso happy because I felt like I had been reunited with my missed grandmother, if only in a short, wonderful dream. Yesterday I was talking to Dan about my dream and I started crying and then sobbing. Even though the tears won't bring her back, sometimes it just feels good to let it all out, and that's just what I did.
Nana, me, Frema and Grandpa Corky

Years have passed since her death and it's hard not having her around. I wish she could have seen me and Frema get married, or be around for her future grandchildren. The best consolation for myself is knowing that although she's not physically here, she's watching from another place. I love you Nana.