Back In The Saddle Again

There will be no excuses on my behalf this time to explain by blogging absence of over two months. Am I sorry for neglecting my internet social life and reading some wonderful blogs? Absolutely. But I haven't written in the past two months because I was having a hard time accepting things that were going on in my life, so how could I publicly write about them? Nevertheless, I've always enjoyed blogging and I feel good about posting a new entry today.

It only feels right to begin this entry by first talking about the death of my dear Auntie Debbie. She passed away last month, as I'm sure many of you are already aware of from Frema's blog. My Auntie Debbie struggled with a vicious case of cancer that she fought for nine and a half years, when the doctors told her she only had six months to live. Bottom line, Auntie Debbie was the bravest and most courageous woman I have ever met or known throughout history. She could have very well given up or succumb to her cancer years ago to rid herself of the excruciating pain this disease inflicted upon her and her family, but she fought with an unstoppable will. Auntie was only forty-nine years old when she died, she would have been fifty the day after Christmas. Knowing that Auntie was terminally ill did not cushion the blow of her death, despite what many would think. Just because you know that someone you love is sick doesn't mean that you're ready to lose them to heaven and never see them again.

When Auntie died, I was became depressed, unknowingly to myself though. During the wake services, I kept myself busy cleaning the community kitchen and engaging in nonchalant conversation with compassionate family and friends. After the services resided, my behavior did not seem to improve, in that I was CONSTANTLY finding a new project to keep myself busy. I must have rearranged my classroom and apartment about five times until I reached a personal level of satisfaction. Long story short, I began neglecting people that meant the most to me because I was so concerned about keeping busy, I didn't filter in the fact that I was ignoring the people I loved the most. My husband had compassionately approached me about my busy agenda and behaviors, but I took offense and told him it was my way of dealing with the loss of one of my best friends, Auntie Debbie. Poor Dan was only trying to help me and I was not responding to any of his sincere concerns. Luckily Dan had it in him to approach me a second time, and for some reason this conversation really hit home. He was able to reach me in a way that no one else could and I really feel that he literally pulled me out of my depression. Words can't do justice to how thankful I am to have Dan is my life. I would have never known the extent of my sadness had Dan not pointed it out to me and had enough courage to tell me the truth about my everyday behavior. I could go on and on about this, but the point of this entry is not sadness, it's about a new beginning.

After I realized I was depressed, I began analyzing my life and thinking about the many people and blessings I have to be thankful for. I started to build inner strength and reach out to my family and those who I trust dearly. I began thinking about what a full life my Auntie Debbie lived and started to think about the gifts God has blessed me with. Rather than being sad, I started to look at life and appreciate it in a way I had never done before. Instead of avoiding the ringing of my phone, I began excitedly answering it. Instead of always finding new projects to begin, I gave my husband back the wife he spent so much time with. I began playing the piano again and practicing harder than I ever have before. My music became such a wonderful outlet and sign of peace for me that I started to appreciate it and love it in a new light. I brought my passion for the piano into my classroom and began teaching my students about Beethoven and Ray Charles. Together my students and I began an unending learning journey that originated from the death of a loved one. After bringing music to my classroom, I reached out to a few students who displayed an extraoridnary talent and interest in the piano. I am now teaching private lessons to four students after school during the week.

I can't stress enough how thankful I am for my Auntie Debbie and husband Dan. Auntie's death and Dan's encouragement brought me to a new and exciting place in my life. Of course I miss Auntie and all the beautiful and sincere things she brought into my life and the lives of many others. However, as my mother reminded me, Auntie Debbie would not have wanted me to stop living my life. I have learned so much from this tragic experience, but most of all I have learned to be thankful for each and every minute of my life. Prayer has always been an important part of my life, but now it's such an integral part of my life that I feel connected to God in a way I have never felt before. I feel so blessed everyday I wake up and look at my husband in bed next to me. I know now that God works through all of us, even when we're not paying attention.

Thank you all so much for sticking with my blog and continuing to check on my writing. I love you all and hope that you're doing GREAT! I hope to be a better blogger again in reading about your thoughts and daily lives!! ;)